It was all my fault
by EllieSong
Summary: Jack's thoughts after the events of CoE.


**It Was All My Fault**

They finally managed to kill me.

Me means Captain Jack Harkness. A 51st century man. Once a con man. And leader of Torchwood. Well, I was leader of Torchwood...Because Torchwood doesn't exist anymore. It died yesterday.

They tried to kill me so many times before and I've died numerous times. I died in both world wars; I've died because of Torchwood and for Torchwood. Suzie shot me in the head; I've been travelling through Time Vortex outside the TARDIS...

I could spend hours sitting here and writing how many times I've died. I even managed to forget some deaths. They're a bit painful and it is annoying but after all, I wake up and everything is back to normal. Once upon a time...no, that was actually not that long ago, they put a bomb into me and allow me to go. This bomb destroyed Torchwood building. I've survived. Just like I always do.

And now I'm dead. Well not literally. I'm still breathing, blood is still running through my body and my heart is still working. Technically, I'm still alive.

But it feels like I'm dead. The 456 took Ianto from me. I could survive my daughter's hate and disgust and even my own hate to myself, if only I had Ianto with me. He always made things better. I still see my daughter begging me to tell those stupid people that no, I won't sacrifice my own grandson. Or that there is another way.

I was in my element. For a second or so. But then I realized we don't have enough time. We needed a child, only one child to save all those people and all those kids around the world. And my grandson was unlucky enough to be the only kid in that bloody house.

But I could survive it. I would know that I have saved all those millions of kids and their parents. Only that without Ianto, the world somehow lost most of its colours.

I didn't remember anything at first. I just knew that I'm waking up from death and that there is no Ianto to hold me or to just be near me when I gasp for air. But there was Gwen. She had her back against me and I remembered. The last moments of us. How he begged me not to forget him. As if I could.

Gwen was crying. Another friend of her died. Owen, Toshiko and Owen once again, even Suzie. And now Ianto. No one appreciated him enough while he was working for Torchwood but somehow Torchwood couldn't really exist without him.

I've seen so many deaths over the years. It's somehow inevitable when you live for so long as I have lived. Sometimes I hate Rose for bringing me back to life after that Dalek killed me, but if she didn't do that I would never meet Ianto.

It was my fault that he died.  
I've had many lovers over the years. I even had daughter...I still have her but she hates me. I hate myself for that too. But Ianto was different from all of them. My beautiful Welshman. I really loved him. I wish I'd say it more often so that he would be absolutely sure that he's not just a part-time shag like Owen claimed.

Gwen and Rhys are here. Rhys is just standing in the back and complaining. I make a joke, like I always do. And then Gwen asks me if I'm okay. Of course I'm not; Ianto and my grandson are dead. But I say that I'm okay. She wants me to stay on the Earth, with her and Rhys. But I can't stay there. Not even for her. I see my words hurt her but I don't care at the moment. It wouldn't be fair to any of us. They would only remind me of my mistakes and of those people who died because of me. And Rhys wants his wife for himself. Torchwood occupied her for long enough.

It was my fault that they all died. Owen, Tosh, Suzie, Ianto. It was my fault even if everybody says that it wasn't. And that is why I must go away, far far away. I'm not sure the universe is big enough but I've got to try. And maybe one day those memories won't hurt that much and I will return.  
Until that happens I can't be on the Earth. It is just a giant graveyard.  
And even when those memories stop hurting, the knowledge that those deaths were all my fault will stay with me until someone or something will be kind enough to let me die.

Like Doctor I sometimes run away because I dare not look back. And can anyone really blame me for that?

* * *

**Author's Notes: I was watching CoE and well...I had to write about it. It is my first Torchwood fic and my second fic ever so be gentle :) And I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in there. English is not my first language and this story is not beta-ed :)**

**Obviously I don't own Torchwood...I wouldn't be writing fanfiction if I did :) **

**Thanks for reading :)**


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